


I Wonder What It's Like To Be Loved By You

by RavenpuffWrites



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Charlie uses he/they also just fyi, M/M, Neil is an idiot (gay) (affectionate), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, i have no idea how long this will be tbh, i might add in some of the other lads later but right now it's strictly Todd and Neil texts, inspired by Little Numbers by iknowitainteasy, slow ish burn, the format especially but it's also the fic I think of when i think of wrong numbers au's, thinking about nb Meeks also but haven’t settled on the pronouns yet, which is why they're the only ones tagged, who just wants to make friends and Todd is now in his sights and he will befriend him, wrong numbers au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28373793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenpuffWrites/pseuds/RavenpuffWrites
Summary: (October 8th, 1:59 am)do you ever think about your place in the universe and what it means(2:01 am)and how do we really know we’re living the life that we’re meant to, what if what we thought we were supposed to do turns out to not be the right thing at all and what if you miss out on changing the world because you didn’t find your true calling(2:02 am)and how can anyone expect college students like us to just know what we want to do when we aren't even real adults yet and we haven't lived so how can we know what we want
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	1. Gay's Can't Do Math Or Check Their Numbers, Apparently

**Author's Note:**

> plain text is Neil.  
>  _italics is Todd._
> 
> (Let me know if it isn't clear and I'll try to do some editing so it makes more sense)

(October 5th, 3:15 pm)

okay don’t ask questions but what is 20% of $40 

(3:15 pm)

also how do you divide that by three

(3:17 pm)

_…_

(3:18 pm)

Cameron please we’re all too gay to do this math and I have class in 20 minutes this is important 

(3:19 pm)

you can call us idiots afterwards 

(3:19 pm)

and Charlie promises not to heckle you for three days or as long as he can hold out 

(3:22 pm)

_$8_

(3:23 pm)

_and $48 divided by 3 is $16_

(3:24 pm)

you’re a fucking life saver 

(3:24 pm)

Thank you!!! 

* * *

(9:55 pm)

oh my god 

(9:55 pm)

i’m so sorry 

(9:56 pm)

i just got a new phone and i haven't got all my contacts in and i swear i was trying to text my friend and not ask a stranger for math help 

(10:00 pm)

_Yeah I uh kind of figured as much. It’s not a big deal don’t worry about it._

(10:01 pm) 

well that depends on who you ask

(10:02 pm)

Charlie thinks it’s a huge deal because it means he doesn’t have to follow through on his promise to be nice to Cameron, who i was trying to text, not that he was going to anyways probably because Charlie is really bad at being nice to him 

(10:10 pm)

sorry, that was probably me oversharing. i have a horrible habit of talking too much sometimes 

(10:11 pm)

_no it’s okay._

(10:12 pm)

_I don’t mind._

(10:13 pm)

it’s okay you can tell me to shut up, you wouldn’t be the first person in the world

(10:13 pm)

and it’s probably only fair since you gave me just free math help without asking why 

(10:20 pm)

_You said not to ask questions._

(10:21 pm)

_And it seemed important._

(10:22 pm)

as important as me making it on time to a class that i actually hate can be sure 

(10:23 pm)

i’m still surprised though you didn’t say anything after

(10:23 pm)

do you normally just answer wrong numbers as if you’re the right person or…? 

(10:28 pm)

_I usually don’t answer at all._

(10:29 pm)

yeah that’s fair, too much spam to be answering them all 

(10:35 pm)

_It was just math I didn’t think it could hurt to help_

(10:40 pm)

_Sorry_

(10:42 pm)

sorry? what are you sorry for? 

(10:43 pm)

_I don’t-_

(10:46 pm)

_You seem upset is all_

(10:47 pm)

no i’m not upset i promise!!!! 

(10:48 pm)

i’m just genuinely curious why you didn’t say anything because most people probably would 

(10:50 pm)

_I didn’t want to make it a thing_

(10:51 pm)

oh and now i’m making it a thing sorry 

(10:53 pm)

_It’s okay_

(10:54 pm)

well regardless i’ll stop bugging you now thank you again for the math help and i hope this didn’t cause any inconvenience in your day 

(10:56 pm)

_It didn’t_

(10:56 pm)

well that’s good! i am now bowing out

(10:57 pm)

goodbye

* * *

(October 8th, 1:59 am)

do you ever think about your place in the universe and what it means

(2:01 am)

and how do we really know we’re living the life that we’re meant to, what if what we thought we were supposed to do turns out to not be the right thing at all and what if you miss out on changing the world because you didn’t find your true calling 

(2:02 am)

and how can anyone expect college students like us to just know what we want to do when we aren't even real adults yet and we haven't lived so how can we know what we want 

(2:09 am)

_I uh_

(2:10 am)

_I think you have the wrong number again_

(2:11 am)

fuck

(2:12 am) 

… you know that was meant for my friend Charlie 

(2:15 am)

_At 2 am?_

(2:15 am)

shush 

(2:16 am)

since i sent it to you though and i can't take it back i hope you enjoy my existential ramblings 

(2:16 am)

and they didn’t scare you off too much

* * *

(4:45 am)

_They don’t want us to know_

(4:46 am)

know what? 

(4:47 am)

_Society doesn’t care about what our “true purpose” is._

(4:47 am)

_It only cares about what makes money._

(4:49 am) 

_And what our “true purpose” is is rarely something that is profitable and so society, well capitalism specifically, doesn’t want us to find that purpose._

(4:51 am)

_That’s why we are pushed to decide our entire future before we ever even leave our parent’s house, before we have ever had a chance to explore the world. If we make a decision when we’re 17 or 18, we will follow the path that those in charge want for us because we aren’t aware that other options out there exist._

(4:54 am)

_And then we go into debt before most of us even know what that impact is going to be or how money really and truly works so that we have no choice but to continue following the paths they want from us so we have the money to pay off the debt, though most of us still will go our entire lives never escaping that._

(4:56 am)

_And then for those of us who do discover our dreams and decide to chase them, we have to face the fact that we will never be able to afford life, we will never fit into this capitalist system because it does not care._

(4:58 am)

_And forget if you have a mental illness or a disability or literally anything else that makes it even harder to fit into this fucked up system that believes if you are not producing something at all times for the greater good then you have no worth in this world._

(5:00 am)

_And you’re left having to decide if you do the thing that makes your heart happy and that feels like your calling in the world,_

(5:02 am)

_Or do you do the thing that will make money and let you fit into this fucked up system and world and not be in debt for the rest of your life._

(5:03 am)

_There’s no winning._

(5:30 am) 

_Sorry_

(5:35 am) 

_I didn’t- Shit I didn’t mean to ramble I’m so sorry_

(5:36 am) 

_How do you delete messages? Fuck_

(5:39 am) 

_I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I-_

(5:42 am) 

_I’ll go- fuck_

* * *

(8:15 am) 

no don’t apologize it’s okay 

(8:16 am) 

you didn’t do anything wrong i promise 

(8:17 am) 

i was asleep 

(8:17 am)

but i appreciate your ramblings 

(8:17 am)

you’re right 

(8:18 am)

society doesn’t give a fuck 

(8:18 am)

and it's bullshit 

(8:19 am) 

we should be able to do whatever the fuck we want and not have to worry about existing 

(8:20 am) 

i was having similar thoughts which is what inspired the texts in the first place 

(8:21 am) 

so i really appreciate your thoughts

* * *

(10:40 am) 

you’re really good with words by the way

(10:41 am) 

i mean, i hope that doesn’t sound creepy it’s just 

(10:42 am) 

i just can’t stop thinking about what you said. because you’re right 

(10:44 am) 

and it’s so fucking messed up 

* * *

(October 9th, 1:15 am) 

what would you do? 

(1:16 am) 

if you didn’t have to worry about money or society or anything like that, what is your true purpose then 

(1:22 am) 

_I think you have the wrong number again._

(1:23 am) 

no i don’t! thanks for checking though 

(1:24 am) 

i told you i couldn’t stop thinking about what you said and i’m curious if you have something because it sounded like you were speaking from experience

(1:30 am) 

of course you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to 

(1:31 am) 

but i just wanted to ask 

(1:50 am)

_Poetry._

(1:51 am) 

_I mean, just uh writing in general and all but_

(1:53 am) 

_Poetry is my favorite._

(1:54 am) 

yeah i could see that 

(1:55 am) 

i bet you’re a great poet 

(2:02 am) 

_What about you?_

(2:03 am) 

hmm? 

(2:06 am) 

_What is your true purpose?_

(2:08 am) 

acting. theater. 

(2:09 am) 

it’s where i feel the most alive, you know? up on that stage… it’s all i’ve ever wanted in life 

(2:11 am) 

_That sounds nice_

(2:12 am) 

yeah. 

(2:12 am) 

it is

* * *

(3:35 pm) 

Neil

(3:40 pm) 

_Pardon?_

(3:41 pm) 

my name. its Neil 

(3:45 pm) 

_Oh._

(3:46 pm) 

you don’t have to tell me yours if you’re not comfortable

(3:47 pm) 

but i just… wanted you to know 

(3:55 pm) 

_Why?_

(3:56 pm) 

well it seemed like a good place to start to be friends and all

(3:57 pm) 

sorry if i overstepped

(4:04 pm) 

_You want to be my friend?_

(4:05 pm) 

yeah,,, 

(4:10 pm) 

_Why?_

(4:11 pm) 

_You don’t even know me._

(4:12 pm) 

i would like to though 

(4:13 pm) 

if you’re okay with that 

(4:20 pm) 

_I don’t know._

(4:21 pm) 

_sorry_

(4:23 pm) 

it’s okay 

(4:24 pm) 

you have my number if you ever want to talk.

(4:27 pm) 

even if you just want to without the commitment of being friends 

(4:29 pm) 

i could… do you mind if i text you again? 

(4:36 pm) 

_No._

(4:38 pm) 

awesome!! in that case, maybe i’ll talk to you soon mystery number. 

(4:39 pm) 

have a good weekend :) 


	2. My Tired Eyes Are Blinded By The Fairy Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (2:35 am)   
> you’re blurry 
> 
> (2:36 am)   
> something undefined i cannot touch 
> 
> (2:37 am)   
> i like that about you 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plain text is Neil  
>  _itallics is Todd_

(October 11th, 1:58 am) 

hi 

(1:59 am) 

sorry i know it’s late but i realized i didn’t text you yesterday which is a bad way to start a friendship 

(2:03 am) 

_Hi._

(2:04 am)

oh!! you’re awake 

(2:05 am) 

shouldn’t you be sleeping, it’s 2 am?? 

(2:09 am) 

_You’re awake._

(2:10 am) 

yeah… got that sweet fucking insomnia 

(2:12 am) 

it’s fine in like two weeks i’ll just sleep a whole day straight and it’ll be fine 

(2:15 am) 

_I don’t think that’s how it works…_

(2:16 am) 

sure it does i’ve been doing it for years

(2:17 am) 

and i’m like a quarter of a functioning adult now. 

(2:20 am) 

_A quarter? More than I am then._

(2:21 am) 

ajhsggfha mood though 

(2:22 am) 

adult who? i never met her

(2:30 am) 

_I’ve seen her in passing once_

(2:31 am) 

yeah i’ve seen death in passing too 

(2:33 am) 

that was a joke!!!!

(2:35 am) 

_We’re college students. We’ve all seen death in passing._

(2:36 am) 

okay true 

(2:37 am) 

my best friend before an exam drank like 6 Red Bull’s after not sleeping all night and they’re pretty sure they met god 

(2:38 am) 

they said she was pretty cool. probably gay

(2:45 am) 

_The only god I would accept is a gay one._

(2:46 am) 

_Not that I believe in god or anything._

(2:48 am) 

_Sorry that was probably a weird/rude thing to say, I just don’t want to give off the vibe that I’m religious because I’m empathetically not._

(2:50 am)

that’s so valid. tbh i’m only vaguely religious 

(2:52 am) 

you know like my parents were super religious growing up and i went to a super conservative boarding school where like we weren’t technically a christian school but also it definitely was 

(2:53 am) 

but like i don’t really believe in god anymore but like it was part of my life for so long it’s still just like a thing 

(2:54 am) 

Charlie, my best friend, is the same way which is what growing up queer in an environment like that does to you 

(2:59 am) 

_Guess I’m lucky my parents weren’t really that religious either. They went to Church like twice a year maybe. I stopped going as soon as I was old enough._

(3:00 am) 

god i wish my parents would let me stop going 

(3:01 am) 

every week, twice a week when we could, my family went to church and there was no getting out of it. 

(3:02 am) 

my dad made me go to church once when i had a really high fever and i wound up passing out because I was so sick and later that night he yelled at me 

(3:03 am) 

like bitch you were the one that made me go how is this my fault

(3:10 am) 

_Yeah well for them to force me to go would mean they’d have to first realize I actually existed so…_

(3:11 am) 

_Also your dad sounds awful, what kind of parent does that?_

(3:12 am) 

don’t worry Charlie already punched him the last time we saw him before… 

(3:13 am) 

well the last time i saw him anyway. they have wanted to for years so it was a really great moment 

(3:18 am) 

_It sounds like he deserved it._

(3:20 am) 

_I’m sorry you have such shitty parents, Neil._

(3:21 am) 

that’s not something you need to apologize for

(3:21 am) 

but thank you 

(3:22 am) 

it sucks but i mean i at least have my friends 

(3:23 am) 

birth family is shit but my found family is the shit 

(3:24 am) 

and now i also have you, my mysterious text friend 

(3:30 am) 

_You still don’t know me._

(3:31 am) 

i make friends very easily

(3:32 am) 

and i would still like to know you whenever you’re ready 

(3:45 am) 

_I still don’t know._

(3:46 am) 

_Sorry._

(3:48 am) 

you can take all the time you need

(3:49 am) 

as long as it is okay with you, i can keep texting 

(3:50 am) 

and whenever you’re ready, you can tell me whatever you want 

(3:51 am) 

friendship at your pace 

(3:51 am) 

and you can tell me to fuck off whenever

(3:58 am) 

_Okay._

(3:59 am) 

_Thank you._

* * *

(4:35 pm) 

are you one of those weird people that just know math

(4:36 pm)

like you just answered without any problem when i first texted you and i still don’t know where that number came from 

(4:42 pm) 

_I’m not horrible at math, but I’m also not great at it_

(4:43 pm) 

_But my phone has a calculator_

(4:44 pm) 

oh my god 

(4:45 pm) 

the phone has a fucking calculator oh my god we’re all so stupid 

(4:46 pm) 

there were three of us there and not a single brain cell between us 

(4:47 pm) 

i don’t know why didn’t laugh at us the moment i texted you it would have been justified 

(4:48 pm)

sorry i have to go tell Charlie and Pitts how stupid we all are 

* * *

(October 13th, 2:25 am)

you know when it’s late at night and you don’t have your glasses on and the only lights on are the fairy lights your friends strung across your dorm one day when you were in class because they wanted to make you smile 

(2:27 am)

and because you don’t have your glasses on the lights are a bit blurry but you like it like that because it’s kind of beautiful for things to not look sharp all the time 

(2:29 am)

and your music is playing through your headphones but you’re not really listening you’re just watching the lights and thinking about life and about how maybe all the world could be a little better if we just removed some of the sharpness around the edges 

(2:30 am)

if we were just all a little blurry and undefined sometimes 

(2:35 am) 

you’re blurry 

(2:36 am) 

something undefined i cannot touch 

(2:37 am) 

i like that about you 

(2:40 am) 

maybe that’s what i’ll start calling you. my blurry friend 

(3:00 am) 

_I think you should go to sleep, Neil._

(3:02 am) 

_Your thoughts are getting blurry_

(3:03 am) 

maybe. but i don’t want to sleep 

(3:10 am) 

_Is everything okay?_

(3:12 am) 

if i say yes will you believe me? 

(3:20 am) 

_No. But I can pretend to if you want._

(3:21 am) 

thanks 

(3:22 am) 

i’ll try to sleep then 

(3:26 am) 

_Thank you._

(3:27 am) 

_Goodnight Neil._

(3:30 am) 

goodnight blurry friend 

* * *

(1:56 pm) 

_I hope you’re doing better._

(1:58 pm) 

you!!! texted me first!!!

(1:59 pm) 

i am a bit better now, nights are… weird 

(2:00 pm) 

but after class this morning my friend Charlie just,,, laid across my chest and they haven’t moved since which is nice 

(2:01 pm) 

we should all have friends lay on us sometimes 

(2:10 pm) 

_Oh sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt anything_

(2:12 pm) 

no you didn’t don't worry we were just vibing 

(2:13 pm) 

Charlie is flirting with his… well his roommate, my friend, who is completely fucking oblivious btw 

(2:15 pm) 

technically i have class in like half an hour but i don’t want to go so

(2:20 pm) 

_I don’t want to go to class either but I have to._

(2:21 pm) 

oof i feel that 

(2:22 pm) 

missed too many classes already? 

(2:30 pm) 

_None._

(2:31 pm) 

_But if I don’t show up my teacher will call me out for it._

(2:32 pm) 

oh no that’s the worst what the fuck 

(2:36 pm) 

_No it’s uh it’s okay really_

(2:37 pm) 

_This is my third class with him he kind of has a right to do that_

(2:38 pm) 

oh!!! 

(2:39 pm) 

sorry i just get protective over my friends when people are being assholes 

(2:45 pm) 

_I can see how it reads like that now, sorry._

(2:47 pm) 

_He’s a really good professor, but he is also just… a lot sometimes._

(2:50 pm) 

_He’s actually the uh he’s the reason I started writing poetry. No one else had ever encouraged me before like he did._

(2:52 pm) 

good professors are some of the best people in the world 

(2:53 pm) 

but still if you don’t feel like going to class you shouldn’t 

(2:58 pm) 

_I’m guessing you’re not?_

(3:00 pm) 

nah. Charlie is though

(3:02 pm) 

so i’m probably just going to take a nap 

(3:09 pm) 

_That sounds like a good idea._

(3:10 pm) 

well it’s an idea anyways whether or not it’s good 

(3:11 pm) 

but naps are pretty fucking great i think we as a society should take them more 

(3:20 pm) 

_I’ve never been able to take naps, even as a kid._

(3:21 pm) 

_But quiet downtime is nice_

(3:35 pm) 

_… Neil?_

(3:50 pm) 

_I guess you fell asleep. Sweet dreams._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil's little speech about the fairy lights might be one of my favorite things I've ever written. 
> 
> Also yes I have gone back to using song lyrics as chapter titles again but look it was too perfect. Just,,, a really good song for them tbh

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Dps fic so apologies if it's not the best/I don't quite have Neil or Todd's voices down. 
> 
> Todd's early morning ramble was inspired by me, sometimes when I'm really exhausted my words just kind of override anxiety and I just ramble and then immediately regret it because fuck said too much. (Anyways lots of Todd's anxiety will probably mimic mine because yay projection).


End file.
